You’re walking along the North Avenue beach after a heavy storm trying to avoid the assorted beer cans and food detritus that has washed up when a blinding reflection causes you to avert your eyes. When you adjust you notice that the glimmer is coming from something oddly shaped, larger than the other crap and faintly gold. As you draw nearer you don’t believe your eyes. It’s a genie’s lamp, like a straight out of “Aladdin” or “I Dream Of Genie” lamp.
“No way,” you say and pick it up.
You look around … nobody. There’s no way you think and look around again.
“What the hell,” you say and give the lamp a rub. Nothing.
You laugh at yourself and start to wonder if you could give this to your grandma as a lame but free Christmas present when KAPOW! The top flies off the lamp and a giant glowing, but translucent genie pops out.
“Ppppploooooooeeeey,” he barks, spitting out water. “Yuck, yuck, yuck. That water had more fecal matter than a Chili Fest porta potty. People swim in that?”
“Uh, yeah, sometimes, when they don’t tell us not to,” you say.
“Disgusting,” he says. “All right, what do you want?”
“Want?” you say.
“Did you grow up in a cave?” he says. “Genies? Wishes? Sound familiar?”
“That’s real?” you say.
“Don’t I look real?” he says. “Pinch yourself. No, harder. A little harder. Really hard.”
“Ouch,” you yell.
“You appear to be slower than L.A. traffic passing a ‘Free Botox’ billboard,” he says. “What’ll it be? Fast car, hot wife, million dollars?”
“No need to be rude,” you say. “OK, give me a second.”
You wonder why you haven’t considered this question before. If you could have just three things … You smartly realize right away not to get into any more banter with the genie because that’s how they trick you into wishing for a cup of coffee while you think. Next thing you know you’re wearing a sombrero and have all the pineapples you’ll ever need, but you’re out of wishes.
So you consider … being rich? That’s got to be top of the list. Oh yeah, and world peace might be nice. But what is rich anyway? Should you put a number on it? What if he makes you the richest man in a village in Uganda? And world peace seems great but what if it comes at the cost of some kind of 1984 totalitarian society? Maybe that’s too complicated.
You’re getting confused. Suddenly the fast car, hot wife and million dollars is looking pretty good. You rack your brain. What is something that you’ve wanted your whole life? And then it hits you — the Cubs winning the World Series!
Ha! That’s it! You’re about to spit out that you want a billion U.S. dollars, the hot wife and the Cubs winning the World Series when something else needles you.
Would it be as fun if a genie made the Cubs win the title? Wouldn’t it be better if they did it on their own? Isn’t that kind of like cheating? But it would feel really really great. Oh man, now you’re really messed up. You start to rub your temples.
“I wish this was easier,” you whisper, and then looking up yell “No!”
“Done,” he shouts.
And the genie gives you a 1974 Oldsmobile, a $50 gift card to Outback and a date with your cousin’s transvestite friend.
So what would you do?
You can reach us at Cubs Fan Therapy.